If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
life finds a way
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.