I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
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Effort made
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.