“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
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Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird