ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
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2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.