*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
my professor scared me for a second
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
britain’s three elite institutions
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt