describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
You Might Also Like
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?