Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Liquor Store Parking
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
welp
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.