Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
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Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
men, we mow at sunrise.