Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep