Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
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fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My neck my back my allergy attack
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
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ME: not today satan