KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
You Might Also Like
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
What’s a Messi?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.