I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Lmbo
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”