Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again