*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Was it something I said?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.