Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?