[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
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I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician