For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
this is the best day of my life
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
A little too much information.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?