Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.