If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
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interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*