In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
58.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.