gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’m having an out of money experience.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
scrabbled eggs
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.