9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account