Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.