Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Very good news from my accountant
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
shampoo implies shampee
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*