“Oh hi, you’re home early”
You Might Also Like
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Saw online –
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.