I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager