The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses