Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
can’t talk my ride’s here
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.