It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.