Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
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how high up are we talkin’?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
You can’t outrun your problems…
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
philosophical skeletons be like
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.