What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
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Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
This hospital has everything
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
What if the weather talks about us?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.