An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
You Might Also Like
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Covid like
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due