‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I missed you with all my darts
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Just so funny
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer