Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”