I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face