The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
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Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me