wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
a badder mouse
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.