[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*