Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You Might Also Like
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun