Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
You Might Also Like
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time