A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.