Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*