You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.