I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
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“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room