The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
You Might Also Like
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.