Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣