Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
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If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.