Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
You Might Also Like
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*