i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you