You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.